B2 First essay example, marked
The same essay written twice: first an answer that would get about 10 out of 20 (just below a pass), then the same answer improved to about 18 out of 20. Every problem and every improvement is marked and explained, criterion by criterion.
The task
In your English class you have been talking about learning new skills. Now your English teacher has asked you to write an essay. Write an essay using all the notes and give reasons for your point of view.
Is it better to learn a new skill online or by going to a class?
Notes
- cost
- motivation
- …………… (your own idea)
Write your essay in 140–190 words.
Answer 1
about 10 / 20Nowadays a lot of people want to learn new things, for example cook or play the guitar. In this essay I will talk about if is better learn online or in a class.1
First, the cost. Online courses are more cheap2 than classes, and some of them are free. Also you can learn in your house and you don't need to pay the transport. I think this is very important3 for young people because they don't have much money.
Second, the motivation. In a class you have a teacher and other students, and they help you to continue. Online is more difficult because nobody control you4 and you can stop when you want. I think this is a big problem.
Also, online courses are cheaper so more people can do them.5
In conclusion, both have advantages and disadvantages. I think it depends of the person.6
145 words
What goes wrong
- Grammar: “whether it is better to learn”. And the introduction only repeats the question.
- Comparative: “cheaper”.
- “I think” three times: the same idea, said the same way.
- Third person: “nobody checks on you”.
- The “own idea” repeats note 1 (cost), so one of the three points is missing. Content loses marks.
- No clear answer to the question, and “depends on”, not “depends of”.
The marks
Both notes are covered, but the third idea repeats the first one, so the reader only gets two real points.
The tone is fine for an essay, but the ideas are listed rather than argued, and the conclusion doesn’t answer the question.
Paragraphs are clear, but the linking is very basic (First, Second, Also) and the same phrases repeat.
Simple vocabulary and several errors (more cheap, nobody control, depends of), although the meaning is always clear.
Answer 2: the same ideas, improved
about 18 / 20These days, it has never been easier to learn something new1, whether it is cooking, coding or playing the guitar. But is it better to do it online or to join a class?
The most obvious advantage of online courses2 is the cost. Many are free or much cheaper than traditional classes, and learners also save the time and money they would spend travelling. For students and young people on a tight budget3, this can make a huge difference.
On the other hand4, staying motivated is far harder when you are learning alone. In a class, a teacher sets clear goals and other students expect you to turn up, whereas online it is all too easy to give up5 after a few lessons.
Another factor to consider is feedback.6 A good teacher can spot your mistakes immediately and show you how to correct them, which a video simply cannot do.
On balance, I believe online courses are ideal for getting started, but anyone who wants to make real progress would benefit from joining a class.7
175 words
What makes it better
- Opens with a general idea in the writer’s own words instead of copying the question.
- A topic sentence that tells the reader what the paragraph is about.
- A natural collocation instead of “they don’t have much money”.
- A linker that shows the contrast with the previous paragraph.
- A complex sentence with “whereas” and the phrase “all too easy”.
- A real third idea, different from the two notes.
- A clear opinion that answers the question and sums up the essay.
The marks
Both notes and a clearly different third idea (feedback), all relevant and fully developed.
A consistent essay tone; each point is supported with reasons and the opinion is clear and convincing.
Each paragraph has one main idea, and a range of linkers (On the other hand, whereas, Another factor, On balance) connects them.
Good range of vocabulary and structures (on a tight budget, all too easy, would benefit from) with no errors that cause problems.
What made the difference
- Content: The “own idea” is now a real new point (feedback), not the cost again.
- Communicative achievement: Each paragraph argues for something, and the conclusion answers the question instead of “it depends”.
- Organisation: Topic sentences and varied linkers replace “First… Second… Also”.
- Language: The errors are gone, and there are more natural phrases: on a tight budget, all too easy, spot your mistakes.
Before you write, choose your own idea and make sure it is different from the two notes. It is one of the easiest ways to lose marks in Content.
Now write your own
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More examples
The marks are Levoop’s estimate using the four criteria Cambridge uses for Writing (0–5 each). Only Cambridge English can give an official mark. The texts were written for Levoop.