The underrated art of talking to strangers

On a crowded train, most passengers follow an unwritten rule: eyes on your phone, headphones in, and absolutely no conversation with the person in the next seat. Small talk with strangers is widely regarded as awkward at best and intrusive at worst. Yet a growing body of research suggests that our reluctance to speak to people we don’t know may be based on a misconception – and that we are denying ourselves a surprisingly reliable source of wellbeing.

In one well-known set of experiments, commuters in Chicago were asked either to strike up a conversation with a stranger on their train, to keep to themselves, or to behave as they normally would. Beforehand, most predicted that talking to a stranger would be the least pleasant option. Afterwards, those who had chatted reported having had a more enjoyable journey than those who had sat in silence – and none of them reported being rebuffed.

Why do we get it so wrong? Researchers point to a cluster of pessimistic assumptions. We tend to underestimate how interested others will be in talking to us, and overestimate how difficult it will be to keep a conversation going. We also worry, often unnecessarily, about how we come across. Studies of what has been called the “liking gap” have found that after a conversation, people consistently believe their partner liked them less than was actually the case.

The benefits of these brief encounters go beyond a pleasant journey. Sociologists have long argued that so-called “weak ties” – the acquaintances, neighbours and familiar faces we see without knowing well – play an important role in our lives. A classic study from the 1970s found that people were more likely to hear about new jobs through acquaintances than through close friends, precisely because acquaintances move in different circles and have access to different information. More recent research suggests that people who have more of these casual interactions on a given day tend to report feeling happier and more connected.

None of this is to say that everyone should be compelled to chat. Personality, culture and context all matter: what feels friendly in one country may feel intrusive in another, and there are good reasons why someone might prefer to be left alone. A conversation should never be forced on someone who is clearly not receptive.

But for those of us who default to silence out of habit rather than choice, the research offers a gentle nudge. Asking the person next to you in a queue how their day is going, or commenting on the weather to a neighbour, carries little risk and may brighten both your days.

In an era when many people report feeling lonely despite being constantly connected online, the humble art of small talk may deserve more credit than it gets. The stranger on the train, it turns out, is often surprisingly glad to talk.